I'm sorry for fucking up your life

I'm sorry for thinking you cared

I'm sorry for being there for you every time

I'm sorry for believing all your lies

I'm sorry for loving you too much

I'm sorry for giving you my heart to break

You're welcome for always being there for you

You're welcome for taking care of you

You're welcome for putting up with your bullshit

You're welcome for the sacrifices I made

You're welcome for sticking by you thru everything

You're welcome for playing nurse, mother, and maid

I'm sorry for us to lose this

You're welcome for me giving it up

  As I have not been on Xanga for months now, let me catch anyone reading this up to speed. Lover and I have been in 'on' mode for the last, roughly, 2 months after a 6 week period of not speaking for one reason or another. I have begun living with him again, under the condition that I have a job by the second week of 2010. In between time, I had picked up with a man that I'll call Country. Things were going fairly well for us, as most new relationships go for most. It was a little more fast-paced then I normally take things with people I am  interested in getting serious with. During this time, Lover was going through a rough spot due to personal history and so forth. He began calling me after finding out that I had started seeing someone else and, as it has been for years now, we picked up a few days later after clearing up rough edges, where we had left off. The thing is that Country would have been very good for me, besides some irritating traits which are inevitable in most people. And by going back to Lover, I messed up something that could have finally gotten me out of this spiral relationship Lover and I have. But when his communication with me started back up, things were not solid enough between Country and I. So I left Country for the thing I am most comfortable with and this entry is based on a conversation that Lover and I had tonight after I picked him up from WR, a new bar we have started going to. Feel free to leave comments...

So...

    I have just been completely mind fucked. And I'm extremely confused. I've decided that words should be rationed. Therefore making only the truth really worth saying. My world is terribly topsy-turby right now. Ugh. I'm not really sure where to begin. I'll start with love I guess. Or the use of the word anyhow. And how I feel like it should NEVER be used! Hypothetically, someone who you care for more than anyone else, who loves you with all of their heart, should never be told that you love them more than anyone else on earth and that there is an enevitable furture between the two of you. Unless you feel the same way and know with all you are that no circumstance can change that. Of course, forgivness is a very strange and fickle thing, especially when physical and emotional things are involved. There are always thing that can and, undoubtably will change how you feel about someone. For good or for bad. And if there is ever a question that you are unsure you want to hear the answer to, you should not ask it. For if you are unsure, then the answer is probably something you do not want to hear. However, there are very few answers that should be able to turn off such strong a feeling as love. Although it does happen, something as petty as the answer to a particular question should not alter those feelings as much as they have.

   I have been led completely astray from what I was sure was the way it was. And I'm completely speechless as to the matter itself. But I do know, for a fact, how I feel about it. And it's not a good feeling or one that I would wish on anyone, even those who I don't care for at all. It's an experience that we all have or will go through at some point in our lives. Were it not so cold outside, I would sit out in the rain and try to wrap my head around how I could let something like this happen or how it ever got to this point. It makes absolutely no sense to me at all. I like to think of myself as a fairly level headed person when it comes to matters such as these. However, I have made my mistakes in the past and this seems to be another. A great learning experience but not one I wished to go through, at least not under these circumstances. So I'm listening to the rain pelt the window and consoling myself with strawberry soda and a half empty box of Reds and trying to fathom how this has come to pass. For the sake of not wanting to go into detail, I will ask for no advise on this as of now and hope only to come upon an answer on my own. " Be a grown up" keeps popping into my head, something you have said to me many times and I let slip from mind once the conversation was over. I'm afraid that is no longer an option for me. In this case I must, unwilling, confront the issue head on and hope for the best. An adult conversation with no yelling and no insult. "Be honest with me". I was. And it didn't seem to get me much.

    I'm unclear as to what it is that you would like me to do. Controdictions are one of your strong points. And the weeks that have passed since I asked to have the conversation that was had tonight has given me even more reason to think and even more questions to ask, as has the conversation tonight. Wishing to keep this civil and myself calm, I have kept myself from doing the norm for me, i.e. drinking, yelling, and shutting down completely from the moment. But it's hard to do. Especially knowing that the beer is ten feet away and I'm nowhere near out of energy or practice for this sort of thing. I've got so many thoughts in my head that I am trying very hard not to wake you or send an angry email. Also two things that I am very good at. I'm following your advice, as I have been for months now. Even though it has obviously gotten me nowhere in said time. But I can't be expected to do what I did last time the irronious words fell from your lips in the heat of the moment and jealousy. These are not things that I wish to go through again. I'm not sure what I can do to ratify the situation, probably the answer is nothing. However I do know how to make my voice heard and do so in a manner that you will have no choice but to listen and make a final decision then. Being the "in the meantime" person is no longer on my to-do list. And if you can not or will not accept that then I will have to ask you to live up to your words or eat them. "I would kill for you and I would die for you and nobody will ever treat you wrong as long as I'm here for you." A good solid quote from a good-hearted person. I care for you very much and I always will. Though things have not worked out as planned, by either party involved, I will have to insist upon an honest gesture or a compromise of reciprocation or complete forfiet of favor. I have done my part. Now it's time for you to do your's.

"I love you with all that I am and all I ever will be. No man will ever live up to the exceptionally high standards that you have set for them. But the future will never turn out for either of us the way we wanted. All or nothing is a sad way to be but it is the only way for us. And you must know, in your heart of hearts, that this is true."

This song is a great representation of where Lover and I are at with each other right now. Also, it's just an awesome song so I figured I'd share.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZXjp-vHZMM&feature=related

M